I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize