The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
