I'm jealous of your bromance
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
