Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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