Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Found the puke drawer
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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