then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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