I got chris browned last night
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
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He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
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We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
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