you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
