IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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