Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
