New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
