mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
