shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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