imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He? As in you personified your dick?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
