I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
