the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
