Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
