Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Everything about him screamed your future.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
