So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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