I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
