we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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