just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.