happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???