I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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