Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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