I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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