The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
