nut hugger
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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