just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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