My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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