so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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