im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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