Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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