The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
