I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
