someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
