Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
