There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
