I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
