My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
