Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
