Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
