I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
