I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
