Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
