i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
