he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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