And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
