8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
