I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
last night I used snow as a chaser
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
