He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
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I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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