he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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