The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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