No awkward lesbian experiences without me
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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