I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
