I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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