i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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