I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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